Twenty Three plus two...

Ok... Lets get this out in the open before I start.

Today I am twenty five years old. My academic standing is that of a twenty two year old, my living situation is that of a nineteen year old, my relationship status is that of a widowed seventy year old, my chest hair situation is that of a sixteen year old, my social status it that of a five year old. Nope, you can't be me!

I do have some delightful friends who threw me a little birthday party, so tragedy doesn't befall all circumstances. Unfortunately I think the reason Mo threw it was because she likes me more than Zach. I hate to be the person who ruin an engagement, but you play the cards your dealt. Sorry Z.

Apology goes out to Tyler who came up from Denver this weekend and I didn't go out until late. I did pay his parking ticket because it appears Leotis30 is unable to use the internet for some reason.

Slummin.

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Real MF G's

Oh lordy lord, its been awhile.

Coming to you late night from the University of Iowa campus... Why? Because I have no internet or television at my house. I wanted to watch Pittsburgh vs South Florida. Instead, Boise State is playing Louisiana Tech. I hate Boise State more than anything. It would be impossible for me to regret coming here any more than I do.

Much hasn't changed since my last post. My life is dictated by books, classes, and Hitler. j/k... lol...?

Speaking of... for the turds that keep asking me the same question everytime I see them... I am at the University of Iowa. I am getting my doctorate in Audiology. I have four years until I graduate. You only access this through my facebook, is it really that hard just to look at the information on my page?

The Yankees didn't make the playoffs... Which is ridiculous because they have the 4th best record in the AL. The central shouldn't have been allowed to send a team.

I will give credit where it is due. Boston has some decent young talent and Jim Chambers did a nice job for the Rays this year.

On facebook, John Zelasney put he is interested in "networking." Thats it. The definition of networking isn't getting drunk and falling asleep, John.

On a side note, John stole Laura from me in 10th grade, if you really want to know. More so, Laura probably has the prettiest face of any girl I've ever known. Asshole, John.

Pretty girls... Iowa City has them, but none I have met where I just fall apart and die inside. I have only met three girls like that. Coincidently all three of those girls are now single, A.R., K.C., and J.P. I'm sure they all think the same about me................... If Kayleen and Kiley can be attracted to C-cubed (clayton goos to the third power because he is like three human beings) and Justin, then there has to be hope for me.

I've been eating alot of bananas, orange ya glad to know that? Bananas are not an innuendo for cock.

Speaking of... as gay as people ever made me feel in Ames. I actually feel like Hacksaw Jim Duggan here, in comparison. I have never felt more masculine in my life..... until I go downtown at night and everyone there looks like Zach Chambers when he used to be on steroids.

I want to go to Ames this weekend, anybody in?

I leave you with this.


Charlie the Unicorn
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5im0Ssyyus

Charlie the Unicorn 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFCSXr6qnv4&feature=related

Here I am, my third night living alone in Iowa City.

If you must know a little about my situation, all I must tell you is that it is lonely. I have a two bedroom apartment. I am the only one who lives in it. The first night I drug my mattress out to the living room to sleep.... Since that has happened I have not set foot in either bedroom (good use of resources.)

Enough about me lets talk about Clayton Goos... People (Clayton) probably wonder why I pick on this person so much in my blog.

To that I have no real response. I make fun of his weight, and lets be honest, Clayton's supper could feed a small African nation for a week. Usually people poke fun at others for something they obviously aren't. I can walk up to Kyle Schroeder and say, "Hey pussy," knowing full well he is a badass. I wouldn't walk up to Trent Allen and say hey pussy. That would be awkward because it would be construed as serious and demeaning. What gives me the right to do this to Clayton? Beside my critical nature and knack for blatantly pointing out peoples shortcomings as I see them, Clayton possesses a knockout girlfriend. I think this is why people, like myself, feel the need to bring Clayton down so he doesn't get too high on himself. That way he doesn't forget that if he went swimming in the Pacific Ocean officials would probably think part of California broke off the mainland.

Lets talk about the Olympics.

Why are all women gymnasts on the U.S. team bombshells? Do they throw out all the uglies? One has to assume something is up with that. If there was at least one ugly girl on the roster I would probably feel assurance that the most athletically gifted field the team.

What is up with handball. That looks like something a lazy P.E. teacher would make up for kids to play so he could go drink booze in his office.

Michael Phelps. Wow, more gold medals than any person ever in the Olympics. Not to take anything away, but if Carl Lewis had the opportunity to run the 200 m dash, the 100 m dash, the 50 m dash, 50 m bear crawl, the 23 m potato sack, and the 4x50 single leg hop relay he might still have the record.

On the subject of sports, why hasn't John Zelasney started his fantasy football league. If he has, why hasn't he invited me. Can I start Jeter at quarterback?

Speaking of football. Why did Tyler Chambers fumble the ball, and our dreams of a state championship on the Manning 2 yard line in 2001?

Reminder: Nigel, $50.

Last night in Ames.

The following post was erroneously left drafted and unpublished, as a result I present it to you approximately three weeks after it was written.

So I am approximately three weeks removed from my last post. I am sitting in "my" apartment, in Ames, reminicing about my extended stay at Iowa State University. I have decided to write about some of the funnest times I had in this wonderful environment from my first two years.

First year: A blur. Three different majors. Bad breakup. Hermit Crabs. Bitches. Body damage. College. Party.

I wish I could remember specific events from this time period. Unfortunately, I am left with flashbacks triggered by certain stimuli.

Quote of the year: My first night EVER in Ames. Phil was at a party and came home when I was laying in bed (I had a gf... well I thought I did). He started talking about this delicious honey he met that night, aparently they smashed. I leaned over the edge of my top bunk for inquiry. He said,"A.J., this girl was just awesome." He put his hands up in front of his face, fingers spread far apart and quasi-clenched inward. "She had beautiful, milky-white breasts."

I stopped Phil there because it was already disgusting. I thought, wow, if Phil can get laid the first night I'm up there then it is most definately, on. Turns out, it wasn't on. Fortunately my "girlfriend", we will protect her identity, was getting enough for the both of us though.

Lil Jon - To the windows to the wall. Living with Brad and Jace was a party every night. Literally. Not enough water in the living room? No problem, in-apartment water fights every Friday and Saturday night. Ate once a day (Wendy's or bread and salsa sandwich). Watched Jace jerk off, not in a gay way. More of an, 'I'm sexually attracted to Jace', way.

Fought Brad one night until he scissored me, actually put my head in a scissor lock until I gave up (not to be confused with Mr. Garrison's 'Scissor me timbers'. I took the loss out on Phil by going to our room and punching him in the face for a reason which was probably trivial at best. When he started crying I might have told him to stop being such a pussy.....

Wednesday nights at Kasey's apartment. Brad loved her, she loved booze. Anna, the gorgeous, blonde, Russian roommate who liked anal sex. (The girl I had a heart to heart with the first night I drank in Ames). If there was a company that manufactured dream girl's in a box, they would basically be making boxes and putting Anna inside of them.

Met the lovely Jennifer Avery. http://www.angelfire.com/creep/jennyfromtheblock/

All in all, a good year. 2.1 GPA in computer engineering, wore jean shorts and definately rocked my Tommy Hilfiger carpenters.

Second Year: Life at Sterling.

One theme to this year. Schroeder.

I moved out to Sterling with Kyla and Cieandra. Kyle moved up just to get away from Treynor. He worked and drank full time.

My first night in the apartment, Kyla had her boyfriend over. Huge dude, and not to be gay, but very good looking, and just an all around nice guy. After he left, I remember her telling me she was going to dump him and that her and I could be special roommates. Of course my ex girlfriend still had me wrapped around her finger... while her hands were wrapped around "said people's" cock, so I tucked my balls and didn't do anything about it. So gay.

As I mentioned earlier, Kyle loved drinking. Coincidently, he enjoyed picking fights too. One night he went to a frat party with his buddy, stole the keg tap. Later, he was confronted by four members of the frat on the street with his friend, and single-handedly beat up three of them at once. Consequently, he didn't fare so well about a week later when ten of them had a melee on his face. Somehow, to this day everyone unanimously agrees that Kyle still didn't get beat up that night.

Quote of the year: Kyle: "I wanna fuck you, bitch" to a girl he didn't know on the street. Why is his derrogatory and demeaning comment funny? Within an hour he was fucking that bitch.

Went to South Padre Texas with friends. Amazing time. Drank a ton, tanned, got raped, met some new people.

Best part... The bars. For some reason the moment we stepped inside the bars we were the biggest dorks ever. All eight of us crammed up in one corner just watching people dance... Some actually got the balls to venture down to the dancefloor, all they did was literally walk across the crowded dance floor from one side to the other... LOL. Making fun of ourselves that night with BJ was worth the expensive price of the trip.

Sex on the beach??? I don't remember... (I like to think of it as rape in the sand). Running through the crashing waves naked??? Nope. Sharing sex in a twin sized bed with two girls and BJ (not with BJ)... still nothing. Waking up the next morning... 1 girl... 2 girls.... No BJ... Good friend... Yeah girls, go ahead, take my favorite boxers and baseball shirt with my name on the back... You should probably head back to your own hotel room... Which is not here..


Practicality:

Do not watch 10,000 BC.

Drawn out Drawn together.

When you think of things that are drawn out too long, a few things easily pop into mind...

Summer blockbuster movies - has anyone ever said... man I wish King Kong was just 30 minutes longer... No they haven't. If someone ever actually uttered those words we can logically presume that the person automatically doesn't have friends and nobody actually heard.

Summer classes - yeah the classes are 3 to 4 hours a day... but the teacher is only going to utilize 1-2 of those hours for actually learning, let us go early.

Clayton Goos's meals - nobody is going to argue this point. See picture.

NBA playoffs - by far the most drawn out event on the face of the Earth... There was a time when basketball was held in high esteem by the general populous. Now, if you live in a house and have a job you would rather watch your parents make out. Forty games in forty days. I think that was their slogan.... Things you didn't hear. "Man, I can't wait to get my 40 in 40 on." "Wow, NBA playoffs for over a month, this is heaven." "Wow, I'd love to feel Kobe in my ass for 40 days."

The NBA is lost, it needs parity the same way the NFL does. It is uncomfortable to watch teams play in the championship that don't deserve to be there. The Lakers lack fundamental execution. Their mechanics are about as precise as Michael J. Fox eating a bowl of cereal.

Note - Ajax loves Michael J. Fox, and his advocacy for stem-cell research to produce potentially life preserving treatments for diseases such as Parkinson's.

In Crowd:

Hot: coffee, still..

Not: The informer leaving me out of his latest blog.

Hot: Ex girlfriends not being a dumb box. Being appreciable to people you spent an admirable amount of time with is ALWAYS a good thing. I'll give credit where its due, I was pleasantly surprised by someones actions on 6/14/08.

Push: Argyle knee-high socks with plaid shorts. Some liked it some didn't, judge through facebook.

Not: Leaving the CWS in the 9th right before LSU came from 4 down to beat the Rice Owls.

Hot: Corduroy jeans, still

Practicality:

Do not go to any public pool as a 24 year old male.

Do put dead bugs near an anthill and watch what happens.

Do not sit near John Zelansey while he is coughing.

Do find me another job for the summer... Except Ms. Wiens, who gave my number to some talk Nazi who left a message telling me he wanted me to join his "Business team."

Do read my quotes section and feel free to ask John Zelasney why he said those things.

I am busy in Boston.

My life has been boring the last few weeks. The majority of my time has been spent working toward professional goals (not sexual harassment) and consequently I really don't have anything to complain about. Except Zach Chambers (see Satanic figure in photo).

See, I was discussing the ownership of Clayton Goos's soul, to which Clayton informed me that Zach Chambers (The Clean Update in my links section) has possession from a previous circumstance. Subsequently I decided to text Zach in hopes of attaining CG's soul so that I may be able to return it to its rightful owner, God. Although the value of Clayton's soul has depreciated immensely because of a struggling economy and lack of life quality on Clayton's part, I was still able to conjure an offer of two wrestling trading cards.

After no response, I figured I might have to increase the value of my proposal. I added a pack of Bubblicous to the equation, feeling that I exceeded any expectation set forth by Chambers.

After about ten minutes I received a message "I am busy in Boston". That is it. No alluding to the fact that we might reach a deal. Perhaps he was insulted at my offer, it might be a common misconception that weight translates to worth. Not true.

In all honesty, I believe Zach moved to the East Coast in order to amass a collection. Scouring the city for souls like demon spawn hellbent on a path of destruction and ultimately squaring off against the devil himself with his army of souls... motivated to dethrone the mythical beast and reign supreme in his underworld. Mach the Barbarian.

Sorry to get all dorky at the end.

Shout Outs:

Tiffany Hilgenberg, even though her birthday was pretty much in October of last year she managed to throw a pretty decent shindig at a diggity shint establishment. Happy 24, love.

Kahli Ladd watches adult swim, specifically aqua teen hunger force. Although I am not a fan, if I were I would suspect that admitting such to a female could well be deemed an ominous foreboding that her and I will never speak again. It is unfair that the stigma is not associated with girls.

(Exception: watching the movie "Alien" with Kelly Bentley. After making her watch it she went out and purchased a poster for her bedroom wall.)

Jon Schnepel for using the very glove that helped yours truly become first team... yes FIRST TEAM all conference in high school baseball.... then boldly declaring he will never give it back so he can use it for softball. Legends aren't supposed to be used to make vagina sandwiches and watch lifetime movies, Jon.

Practicality:

Do go to Zelasney's house on a humid and warm day. Who can beat a thermostat set at 54 degrees whether they are there or not?

Do not wear socks with sandals. I thought we could put this one to bed, but apparently we can not.

Do check out Nigel's Treynor Cardinals baseball team at least once this summer.

Do not order a beef and onion pizza from Caseys. Ever since Chad Zelasney changed careers that place has been in a tailspin.

Do figure out how Justin Clausen is dating Kiley Feigenbutz and let another sentient being know.

The hot spot

After a two week hiatus I am back in full swing. I have decided to post an objective account of the right and wrong places to meet the right kind of girls. I know what you are thinking. What gives me the right to post about the right and wrong places to meet girls? I haven't been in a relationship for almost a year and consequently, people think I'm gay. Second, one's definition of the right girl is probably not only a shot in the dark for the person in question, but completely variant from another's perspective.

While I might not be the paradigm of a female evaluating guru, I feel that my personal experience coupled with casual observations of friends entering mutual relationships has given me adequate exposure to make some slightly biased observations.

For the sake of clarity, lets establish a set of solid criteria in which we are searching for.

1. She can't be crazy. No, I don't mean shit-smearing on the bedroom walls crazy. Let's assume a girl you meet and ask out can pass the initial screening proving her faculties are intact and typical. What we are talking about is Diana Daddyissues. Yes, she is gorgeous, but that is because she is wearing no clothing and only eats about as often as her father says "I love you." She is out of the picture.

2. Can't be a mammoth, yes the prehistoric creature.

3. Don't overshoot your means. Never forget that there is always someone better than you. There is probably a high correlation between the attractivity of your mate and the degree of insecurity you feel about her leaving you for another man. This can be compensated by fertilizing her before another can or by having a really really big weiner.

4. Analogous with rule #1 we will look at role models in the family. Usually a mother or older sister. If the older sisters name has ever been brought up in casual conversation before you met dream girl, your only hope is that she hates her. Likewise if the mother is unmarried or divorced don't expect love buns to enter a situation unfamiliar to the way she grew up.

5. Stretch marks - open for debate. Everyone has their opinion of them.

With the ambiguous set of guidelines to follow we can begin to narrow down the choices where we can meet your future wife.

Potential Hotspots:
Church - Past a certain age, you can accurately apply the word "wholesome" to any church going girl's repertoire.
Supermarket - Everyone's gotta eat.
Work - Like minded, shes probably not better than you, but probably not worse either. Make out with her.
Playground - Jungle Gym - self explanitory
In Class - She's smart, friendly, and going places.
Inside Clayton Goos's stomach - He usually eats two or three nice girls per day.
Hospitals - Nurses work hard, are cute, and will take good care of you.


Stay Away From:
Bar - If she gives you the time of day, she obviously has AIDS.
Athletic Events - If you aren't black she's not interested.
Family Reunions - Once your uncle finds out it is bound to create all kinds of drama.
MySpace - Everyone knows every girl on myspace has the clap.

Ultimate Dorks

Dave Mathews Band and binge drinking aside, is there anything more college cliche than playing frisbee? It is unjustified and I can't explain it, but few things make me angrier than the people who get together to play this competitively. First, its not a sport. Sports are played with balls, something you apparently lack because you have decided to participate in a game in which males and females participate simultaneously. Perhaps you lack athletic ability and playing against females is more out of necessity than anything. Second, adding the name football, or ultimate to the name does not conceal or enhance the word frisbee. It is still a pussy game, played by pussy people. If you want to alter the name, why not call it what it looks like to bystanders, 'fetch'.

Practicality:

Don't order a "venti" at Starbucks. Giving a drink quantity an Italian number as a name does not make it more cultured or worldly. Why don't they name the 12oz a dodici and 16oz a sedici? Simple, people wouldn't know how to say it, and it would be confusing. Take away the Italian influence and give the sizes their English names and from smallest to largest you get "tall", "big", and "twenty". Now try and not feel dumb the next time your hardass wants $5 worth of coffee and milk.

Do take any bet Dave gives you. After betting dinner on the outcome of a team racing game of Mario Kart, Dave actually won 3 out of 4 races. Regardless, my team placed better and I won in points. Such is Dave's luck.

Don't act gay without a girlfriend. No matter how comfortable you are with your sexual identity, your impression boils down to one simple factor, whether you have a girlfriend. As demonstrated this weekend, Cid (has a girlfriend) and myself (has a cat) acted in a presumptuously gay manner. A way which never garnered any attention the previous three years of college when Cid and I almost always had girlfriends, yet the only person who received gay inquiries this weekend was myself. Need a girlfriend... any takers?

Don't wear sweaters to bars. Being compared to Mr. Rogers all night is both an ego trip and a buzz kill.

She ate the ribs.

Last night after the bars closed I went to Perkins with some friends. Three of us were white and six were black. If you assumed we had the loudest table in the establishment you would be correct. We ordered food and recieved it about 45 minutes later. As we finished, one by one we went up and paid our bill.

It turns out Perkins had called the police, presuming that we were going to dine and dash. This made me sort of mad considering there were at least 15-20 other groups of people and they had chosen us. My anger subsided when I found out that Fred had left without paying his bill... To his credit, he thought someone was going to pay for him. When we got back to the apartment Fred asked what that kind of selective profiling is called. Apparently its called smart business.

Practicality:

Do drink one cup of coffee every morning.

Don't wear jean shorts (jorts). They look ridiculous.



In Crowd:

Hot: Lipton Iced Tea

Not: Creepy E

Hot: Indie music with female lead singers. Relatively unattractive females becoming wildly desirable ::See Regina Spektor Effect.

Not: Fred (who is not a very light-skinned individual) walking around eating bananas all day... It's ok Fred, I love mayonaise.

Ya'll some broke-back bitches.

For What It’s Worth.

A guy and a girl are walking together from class. At the moment at which they must cross the street a bus happens to be traveling along. The girl tells him to stop and motions toward the bus. The guy looks at the bus and keeps walking, fearlessly glaring at the rigid metal anterior as it approaches. Dramatically, he explains that the bus isn’t going to hit him as it comes to a halt in order to avoid a lawsuit.

Why do people tempt fate? I am far from a perpetual risk taker but I like to think I have my moments. Although I might not need to jump from airplanes or wrestle Matt Schuster to get the most out of life, I certainly understand the desire of others to tackle these arduous tasks.

Sometimes it is beyond my cognizance why risk taking becomes an attempt at attraction. It accomplishes nothing. However, in the end it probably isn’t a huge deal. Best case scenario the girl becomes attracted to the turd and has his children, eliminating the possibility of being fertilized by any rational person. Worst case scenario the bus hits him, driver gets fired, bystanders have to stick around and talk to cops, but we all have a good chuckle.

Practicality

Don’t wear sunglasses to Otte’s.

Do date and or marry Jessica Porto if you ever have the chance.

Don’t watch One Night With the King.

Do eat sandwiches at Jeff’s Pizza

Don’t Facebook message or text people just because you are bored at work.

Toss up: Dave's threats of murder and/or suicide. Just his personality or a cry for help?

Shout Outs: Tyler Chambers for being the man.