The hot spot

After a two week hiatus I am back in full swing. I have decided to post an objective account of the right and wrong places to meet the right kind of girls. I know what you are thinking. What gives me the right to post about the right and wrong places to meet girls? I haven't been in a relationship for almost a year and consequently, people think I'm gay. Second, one's definition of the right girl is probably not only a shot in the dark for the person in question, but completely variant from another's perspective.

While I might not be the paradigm of a female evaluating guru, I feel that my personal experience coupled with casual observations of friends entering mutual relationships has given me adequate exposure to make some slightly biased observations.

For the sake of clarity, lets establish a set of solid criteria in which we are searching for.

1. She can't be crazy. No, I don't mean shit-smearing on the bedroom walls crazy. Let's assume a girl you meet and ask out can pass the initial screening proving her faculties are intact and typical. What we are talking about is Diana Daddyissues. Yes, she is gorgeous, but that is because she is wearing no clothing and only eats about as often as her father says "I love you." She is out of the picture.

2. Can't be a mammoth, yes the prehistoric creature.

3. Don't overshoot your means. Never forget that there is always someone better than you. There is probably a high correlation between the attractivity of your mate and the degree of insecurity you feel about her leaving you for another man. This can be compensated by fertilizing her before another can or by having a really really big weiner.

4. Analogous with rule #1 we will look at role models in the family. Usually a mother or older sister. If the older sisters name has ever been brought up in casual conversation before you met dream girl, your only hope is that she hates her. Likewise if the mother is unmarried or divorced don't expect love buns to enter a situation unfamiliar to the way she grew up.

5. Stretch marks - open for debate. Everyone has their opinion of them.

With the ambiguous set of guidelines to follow we can begin to narrow down the choices where we can meet your future wife.

Potential Hotspots:
Church - Past a certain age, you can accurately apply the word "wholesome" to any church going girl's repertoire.
Supermarket - Everyone's gotta eat.
Work - Like minded, shes probably not better than you, but probably not worse either. Make out with her.
Playground - Jungle Gym - self explanitory
In Class - She's smart, friendly, and going places.
Inside Clayton Goos's stomach - He usually eats two or three nice girls per day.
Hospitals - Nurses work hard, are cute, and will take good care of you.


Stay Away From:
Bar - If she gives you the time of day, she obviously has AIDS.
Athletic Events - If you aren't black she's not interested.
Family Reunions - Once your uncle finds out it is bound to create all kinds of drama.
MySpace - Everyone knows every girl on myspace has the clap.