The hot spot

After a two week hiatus I am back in full swing. I have decided to post an objective account of the right and wrong places to meet the right kind of girls. I know what you are thinking. What gives me the right to post about the right and wrong places to meet girls? I haven't been in a relationship for almost a year and consequently, people think I'm gay. Second, one's definition of the right girl is probably not only a shot in the dark for the person in question, but completely variant from another's perspective.

While I might not be the paradigm of a female evaluating guru, I feel that my personal experience coupled with casual observations of friends entering mutual relationships has given me adequate exposure to make some slightly biased observations.

For the sake of clarity, lets establish a set of solid criteria in which we are searching for.

1. She can't be crazy. No, I don't mean shit-smearing on the bedroom walls crazy. Let's assume a girl you meet and ask out can pass the initial screening proving her faculties are intact and typical. What we are talking about is Diana Daddyissues. Yes, she is gorgeous, but that is because she is wearing no clothing and only eats about as often as her father says "I love you." She is out of the picture.

2. Can't be a mammoth, yes the prehistoric creature.

3. Don't overshoot your means. Never forget that there is always someone better than you. There is probably a high correlation between the attractivity of your mate and the degree of insecurity you feel about her leaving you for another man. This can be compensated by fertilizing her before another can or by having a really really big weiner.

4. Analogous with rule #1 we will look at role models in the family. Usually a mother or older sister. If the older sisters name has ever been brought up in casual conversation before you met dream girl, your only hope is that she hates her. Likewise if the mother is unmarried or divorced don't expect love buns to enter a situation unfamiliar to the way she grew up.

5. Stretch marks - open for debate. Everyone has their opinion of them.

With the ambiguous set of guidelines to follow we can begin to narrow down the choices where we can meet your future wife.

Potential Hotspots:
Church - Past a certain age, you can accurately apply the word "wholesome" to any church going girl's repertoire.
Supermarket - Everyone's gotta eat.
Work - Like minded, shes probably not better than you, but probably not worse either. Make out with her.
Playground - Jungle Gym - self explanitory
In Class - She's smart, friendly, and going places.
Inside Clayton Goos's stomach - He usually eats two or three nice girls per day.
Hospitals - Nurses work hard, are cute, and will take good care of you.


Stay Away From:
Bar - If she gives you the time of day, she obviously has AIDS.
Athletic Events - If you aren't black she's not interested.
Family Reunions - Once your uncle finds out it is bound to create all kinds of drama.
MySpace - Everyone knows every girl on myspace has the clap.

Ultimate Dorks

Dave Mathews Band and binge drinking aside, is there anything more college cliche than playing frisbee? It is unjustified and I can't explain it, but few things make me angrier than the people who get together to play this competitively. First, its not a sport. Sports are played with balls, something you apparently lack because you have decided to participate in a game in which males and females participate simultaneously. Perhaps you lack athletic ability and playing against females is more out of necessity than anything. Second, adding the name football, or ultimate to the name does not conceal or enhance the word frisbee. It is still a pussy game, played by pussy people. If you want to alter the name, why not call it what it looks like to bystanders, 'fetch'.

Practicality:

Don't order a "venti" at Starbucks. Giving a drink quantity an Italian number as a name does not make it more cultured or worldly. Why don't they name the 12oz a dodici and 16oz a sedici? Simple, people wouldn't know how to say it, and it would be confusing. Take away the Italian influence and give the sizes their English names and from smallest to largest you get "tall", "big", and "twenty". Now try and not feel dumb the next time your hardass wants $5 worth of coffee and milk.

Do take any bet Dave gives you. After betting dinner on the outcome of a team racing game of Mario Kart, Dave actually won 3 out of 4 races. Regardless, my team placed better and I won in points. Such is Dave's luck.

Don't act gay without a girlfriend. No matter how comfortable you are with your sexual identity, your impression boils down to one simple factor, whether you have a girlfriend. As demonstrated this weekend, Cid (has a girlfriend) and myself (has a cat) acted in a presumptuously gay manner. A way which never garnered any attention the previous three years of college when Cid and I almost always had girlfriends, yet the only person who received gay inquiries this weekend was myself. Need a girlfriend... any takers?

Don't wear sweaters to bars. Being compared to Mr. Rogers all night is both an ego trip and a buzz kill.

She ate the ribs.

Last night after the bars closed I went to Perkins with some friends. Three of us were white and six were black. If you assumed we had the loudest table in the establishment you would be correct. We ordered food and recieved it about 45 minutes later. As we finished, one by one we went up and paid our bill.

It turns out Perkins had called the police, presuming that we were going to dine and dash. This made me sort of mad considering there were at least 15-20 other groups of people and they had chosen us. My anger subsided when I found out that Fred had left without paying his bill... To his credit, he thought someone was going to pay for him. When we got back to the apartment Fred asked what that kind of selective profiling is called. Apparently its called smart business.

Practicality:

Do drink one cup of coffee every morning.

Don't wear jean shorts (jorts). They look ridiculous.



In Crowd:

Hot: Lipton Iced Tea

Not: Creepy E

Hot: Indie music with female lead singers. Relatively unattractive females becoming wildly desirable ::See Regina Spektor Effect.

Not: Fred (who is not a very light-skinned individual) walking around eating bananas all day... It's ok Fred, I love mayonaise.

Ya'll some broke-back bitches.

For What It’s Worth.

A guy and a girl are walking together from class. At the moment at which they must cross the street a bus happens to be traveling along. The girl tells him to stop and motions toward the bus. The guy looks at the bus and keeps walking, fearlessly glaring at the rigid metal anterior as it approaches. Dramatically, he explains that the bus isn’t going to hit him as it comes to a halt in order to avoid a lawsuit.

Why do people tempt fate? I am far from a perpetual risk taker but I like to think I have my moments. Although I might not need to jump from airplanes or wrestle Matt Schuster to get the most out of life, I certainly understand the desire of others to tackle these arduous tasks.

Sometimes it is beyond my cognizance why risk taking becomes an attempt at attraction. It accomplishes nothing. However, in the end it probably isn’t a huge deal. Best case scenario the girl becomes attracted to the turd and has his children, eliminating the possibility of being fertilized by any rational person. Worst case scenario the bus hits him, driver gets fired, bystanders have to stick around and talk to cops, but we all have a good chuckle.

Practicality

Don’t wear sunglasses to Otte’s.

Do date and or marry Jessica Porto if you ever have the chance.

Don’t watch One Night With the King.

Do eat sandwiches at Jeff’s Pizza

Don’t Facebook message or text people just because you are bored at work.

Toss up: Dave's threats of murder and/or suicide. Just his personality or a cry for help?

Shout Outs: Tyler Chambers for being the man.