What it iz what it izzz....
Motivated and inspired by The Informer, the blog has returned.
Still 25, still a student... however, there are some exciting, new developments in my life.
OK, I lied. I am at a standstill routine marked by an endless waterfall of work and study. I'm not complaining. Went ten straight days eating at least one can of ravioli. Streak breaker.... Swine flu.
What is worse than swine flu? Jeff Dunham. Swine flu < HIV <= catastrophic end of all life on Earth < Jeff Dunham. It is debatable whether Jeff Dunham is actually worse than catastrophic event. There is, however, strong evidence in favor of my argument; being the case that if all life ceased on the planet, Jeff Dunham would be included.
Why all the hate for Jeff Dunham? He makes people happy.... Does he, really? Watch his act without volume. Study his movement. Glare at his props. Even a four year old would think this guy was a buttflake.
Today was not a strong day for me. I went to McDonalds to purchase a single McDouble. As pathetic as this story is already... I was standing by the register. A girl walked out from the bathroom and stood in line, catycorner to me, and started looking up at the menu. I had an erie feeling that she was going to cut in front of me, so I inched forward. She simultaneously took a few steps forward and actually positioned herself in a spot which was arguably next in line.
I already couldn't believe what was happening. This girl was about 28 years old, 5'8", 140 lbs, looked like garbage, and was probably harboring crack rocks in at least one body orifice. What happened next was unbelievable... She turned her head in my direction and dead eyed me. I thought maybe she was going to ask if I was in line. Three seconds passed and nothing was said. The situation quickly escalated to a territorial battle. The beast was loose. She was the bear and I was the salmon. My eyes immediately darted to the floor. Within ten short seconds the war had ended. I was on my way to the bathroom. I opened the door, looked in the mirror and called myself a pussy. I washed any debris of dignity from my hands, walked out the door and stepped in line behind the girl.
Theres really nothing to learn from this story, except how unimpressive I am in unpredictable situations.
Take home message for the week: Don't waste opportunity. I've done my fair share.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
I am the Claytong..
It is Monday night. I have to be awake in less than six hours. There really isn't much to talk about. Its not quite warm yet and I am out of milk but too lazy to go get some. Eating dry cereal is depressing.
Not quite as depressing as the bachelor.
I'm kidding. I have never watched it nor do I ever plan to. Apparently this wouldn't be true if I were a girl. I signed on facebook a little while ago and 75% of females status messages expressed their discontent with the alleged bachelor and his decision. A substantial portion submitted that their reaction included tears.
What the hell is wrong with girls?
Seriously...
Even further, I am pretty sure Chad's away message had something to do with the bachelor, but only god knows what actually goes on in Chad's head. So I'm going to excuse it.
Only reason anyone should ever cry is if their cat dies. Then I feel it is completely warranted.
Speaking of cats. My cat has been at my parents for the last few weeks... and my other cat has been there for the last few years. I am now at a standoff with my parents, who want to declaw Hertz, which I feel is unnecessary.
I need a quick way to get her back up to Iowa City before they take matters into their own hands.
I really like having her around the apartment anyway.... There is this morbid thought that involves my hypothetical death in my apartment alone with my cat. I know she loves me and depends on me, but if I died would she eat me?
If I died unexpectedly there is a 2-3 day span that I know nobody would check up on me. My parents would just think I am ignoring their phone calls . Only one person from school has been to my apartment so it isn't like anyone is going to investigate. Now that I am thinking about it, it may well be 5-15 days before anyone even suspects my death. In this situation I am 100% sure that Hertz would start eating me.
This idea has become quite pervasive when I am around her because I don't want to be found with my cat eating me. If she was a tiger or bear, thats one thing. But she is a house cat. Plus I am pretty sure if I was starving I wouldn't eat her. She is small and often smells of poop and fish.
In a new segment for my blog I have decided to reveal some text message conversations.
This week I spoke with John Zelasney and Claytong. For those who don't know, Claytong turns 21 this weekend.
First up was JZ
Author: Who is more successful? Macho Man Randy Savage or B-Rabbit from 8 Mile?
The Informer: Probably Macho Man because B-Rabbit didn't do anything besides win one underground battle.
Author: Are you going to Claytongs birthday?
The Informer: No I have to work
Author: Is there anything you'd rather have than a permanent Randy Moss jersey tattooed on your body?
The Informer: I am actually talking to a guy about making that happen, but my ultimate goal in life is to write a Randy Moss autobiography.
(Editors note: An autobiography of Randy Moss can only be written by Randy Moss... I am not sure if this response surprises me considering The Informer was a journalism major in college who quit school to work one semester shy of graduating with his bachelors degree...)
Author: What advice would you like to give kids?
The Informer:
- Probably the best advice ever.
Next I started talking to Zesty over at the Clean Update, but the interview hasn't concluded so I will hold off until its finalization.
Lastly I spoke with the birthday boy.
Author: As a conservative, what are your thoughts on Obama?
Claytong: I like him
Author: How many times per day do you shower?
Claytong: Times per day or times per week?
Author: Are you really going to make me repeat a text message?
Claytong: I pry shower three times a week at the most.
Author: Of those three times how often is it with your dad?
Claytong: Everytime *
* - may not depict actual response
Not quite as depressing as the bachelor.
I'm kidding. I have never watched it nor do I ever plan to. Apparently this wouldn't be true if I were a girl. I signed on facebook a little while ago and 75% of females status messages expressed their discontent with the alleged bachelor and his decision. A substantial portion submitted that their reaction included tears.
What the hell is wrong with girls?
Seriously...
Even further, I am pretty sure Chad's away message had something to do with the bachelor, but only god knows what actually goes on in Chad's head. So I'm going to excuse it.
Only reason anyone should ever cry is if their cat dies. Then I feel it is completely warranted.
Speaking of cats. My cat has been at my parents for the last few weeks... and my other cat has been there for the last few years. I am now at a standoff with my parents, who want to declaw Hertz, which I feel is unnecessary.
I need a quick way to get her back up to Iowa City before they take matters into their own hands.
I really like having her around the apartment anyway.... There is this morbid thought that involves my hypothetical death in my apartment alone with my cat. I know she loves me and depends on me, but if I died would she eat me?
If I died unexpectedly there is a 2-3 day span that I know nobody would check up on me. My parents would just think I am ignoring their phone calls . Only one person from school has been to my apartment so it isn't like anyone is going to investigate. Now that I am thinking about it, it may well be 5-15 days before anyone even suspects my death. In this situation I am 100% sure that Hertz would start eating me.
This idea has become quite pervasive when I am around her because I don't want to be found with my cat eating me. If she was a tiger or bear, thats one thing. But she is a house cat. Plus I am pretty sure if I was starving I wouldn't eat her. She is small and often smells of poop and fish.
In a new segment for my blog I have decided to reveal some text message conversations.
This week I spoke with John Zelasney and Claytong. For those who don't know, Claytong turns 21 this weekend.
First up was JZ
Author: Who is more successful? Macho Man Randy Savage or B-Rabbit from 8 Mile?
The Informer: Probably Macho Man because B-Rabbit didn't do anything besides win one underground battle.
Author: Are you going to Claytongs birthday?
The Informer: No I have to work
Author: Is there anything you'd rather have than a permanent Randy Moss jersey tattooed on your body?
The Informer: I am actually talking to a guy about making that happen, but my ultimate goal in life is to write a Randy Moss autobiography.
(Editors note: An autobiography of Randy Moss can only be written by Randy Moss... I am not sure if this response surprises me considering The Informer was a journalism major in college who quit school to work one semester shy of graduating with his bachelors degree...)
Author: What advice would you like to give kids?
The Informer:
- Probably the best advice ever.
Next I started talking to Zesty over at the Clean Update, but the interview hasn't concluded so I will hold off until its finalization.
Lastly I spoke with the birthday boy.
Author: As a conservative, what are your thoughts on Obama?
Claytong: I like him
Author: How many times per day do you shower?
Claytong: Times per day or times per week?
Author: Are you really going to make me repeat a text message?
Claytong: I pry shower three times a week at the most.
Author: Of those three times how often is it with your dad?
Claytong: Everytime *
* - may not depict actual response
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Super Bowl
Shout Out to Kyle for having his baby. I can't wait to meet her.
Im sitting at Maureens apartment. We are watching the Super Bowl. I hate Ben Rothelsburger. Zach is making out with Justin. He says he doesn't care cause his team is going to win the Super Bowl.
Things that are unfathomable:
Kurt Warner and a 4th quarter rally down 2 td's to win the super bowl.
John Zelasney, alone in a room with an 8 lb bag of cheese.
Justin Clausen, god forbid, having a cat in his apartment.
That my arms can't fill out a Treynor Baseball jersey circa 1980.
Me striking out on a date with Lyndi.
Sarah's blog getting more than 100 lifetime views. http://www.sarahknoke.blogspot.com/
Things I've seen tonight:
Zach eat 20 spicy wings from BWW.
Justin try to talk pro football strategy. In Justin's defense he won a fantasy football league and drives a Grand Prix.
Cara Cool only paints toenails on one of her feet. Is it any coincidence she has a tattoo on that foot? Badass, Cara.
Kaleigh's brother not speaking a single word all night.
Justin picking his nose then wiping it on his shoulder and cheek. Again, in his defense, he is from Treynor and we obviously aren't immune to this... and his girlfriend is smexy.
Im sitting at Maureens apartment. We are watching the Super Bowl. I hate Ben Rothelsburger. Zach is making out with Justin. He says he doesn't care cause his team is going to win the Super Bowl.
Things that are unfathomable:
Kurt Warner and a 4th quarter rally down 2 td's to win the super bowl.
John Zelasney, alone in a room with an 8 lb bag of cheese.
Justin Clausen, god forbid, having a cat in his apartment.
That my arms can't fill out a Treynor Baseball jersey circa 1980.
Me striking out on a date with Lyndi.
Sarah's blog getting more than 100 lifetime views. http://www.sarahknoke.blogspot.com/
Things I've seen tonight:
Zach eat 20 spicy wings from BWW.
Justin try to talk pro football strategy. In Justin's defense he won a fantasy football league and drives a Grand Prix.
Cara Cool only paints toenails on one of her feet. Is it any coincidence she has a tattoo on that foot? Badass, Cara.
Kaleigh's brother not speaking a single word all night.
Justin picking his nose then wiping it on his shoulder and cheek. Again, in his defense, he is from Treynor and we obviously aren't immune to this... and his girlfriend is smexy.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Twenty Three plus two...
Ok... Lets get this out in the open before I start.
Today I am twenty five years old. My academic standing is that of a twenty two year old, my living situation is that of a nineteen year old, my relationship status is that of a widowed seventy year old, my chest hair situation is that of a sixteen year old, my social status it that of a five year old. Nope, you can't be me!
I do have some delightful friends who threw me a little birthday party, so tragedy doesn't befall all circumstances. Unfortunately I think the reason Mo threw it was because she likes me more than Zach. I hate to be the person who ruin an engagement, but you play the cards your dealt. Sorry Z.
Apology goes out to Tyler who came up from Denver this weekend and I didn't go out until late. I did pay his parking ticket because it appears Leotis30 is unable to use the internet for some reason.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Real MF G's
Oh lordy lord, its been awhile.
Coming to you late night from the University of Iowa campus... Why? Because I have no internet or television at my house. I wanted to watch Pittsburgh vs South Florida. Instead, Boise State is playing Louisiana Tech. I hate Boise State more than anything. It would be impossible for me to regret coming here any more than I do.
Much hasn't changed since my last post. My life is dictated by books, classes, and Hitler. j/k... lol...?
Speaking of... for the turds that keep asking me the same question everytime I see them... I am at the University of Iowa. I am getting my doctorate in Audiology. I have four years until I graduate. You only access this through my facebook, is it really that hard just to look at the information on my page?
The Yankees didn't make the playoffs... Which is ridiculous because they have the 4th best record in the AL. The central shouldn't have been allowed to send a team.
I will give credit where it is due. Boston has some decent young talent and Jim Chambers did a nice job for the Rays this year.
On facebook, John Zelasney put he is interested in "networking." Thats it. The definition of networking isn't getting drunk and falling asleep, John.
On a side note, John stole Laura from me in 10th grade, if you really want to know. More so, Laura probably has the prettiest face of any girl I've ever known. Asshole, John.
Pretty girls... Iowa City has them, but none I have met where I just fall apart and die inside. I have only met three girls like that. Coincidently all three of those girls are now single, A.R., K.C., and J.P. I'm sure they all think the same about me................... If Kayleen and Kiley can be attracted to C-cubed (clayton goos to the third power because he is like three human beings) and Justin, then there has to be hope for me.
I've been eating alot of bananas, orange ya glad to know that? Bananas are not an innuendo for cock.
Speaking of... as gay as people ever made me feel in Ames. I actually feel like Hacksaw Jim Duggan here, in comparison. I have never felt more masculine in my life..... until I go downtown at night and everyone there looks like Zach Chambers when he used to be on steroids.
I want to go to Ames this weekend, anybody in?
I leave you with this.
Charlie the Unicorn
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5im0Ssyyus
Charlie the Unicorn 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFCSXr6qnv4&feature=related
Coming to you late night from the University of Iowa campus... Why? Because I have no internet or television at my house. I wanted to watch Pittsburgh vs South Florida. Instead, Boise State is playing Louisiana Tech. I hate Boise State more than anything. It would be impossible for me to regret coming here any more than I do.
Much hasn't changed since my last post. My life is dictated by books, classes, and Hitler. j/k... lol...?
Speaking of... for the turds that keep asking me the same question everytime I see them... I am at the University of Iowa. I am getting my doctorate in Audiology. I have four years until I graduate. You only access this through my facebook, is it really that hard just to look at the information on my page?
The Yankees didn't make the playoffs... Which is ridiculous because they have the 4th best record in the AL. The central shouldn't have been allowed to send a team.
I will give credit where it is due. Boston has some decent young talent and Jim Chambers did a nice job for the Rays this year.
On facebook, John Zelasney put he is interested in "networking." Thats it. The definition of networking isn't getting drunk and falling asleep, John.
On a side note, John stole Laura from me in 10th grade, if you really want to know. More so, Laura probably has the prettiest face of any girl I've ever known. Asshole, John.
Pretty girls... Iowa City has them, but none I have met where I just fall apart and die inside. I have only met three girls like that. Coincidently all three of those girls are now single, A.R., K.C., and J.P. I'm sure they all think the same about me................... If Kayleen and Kiley can be attracted to C-cubed (clayton goos to the third power because he is like three human beings) and Justin, then there has to be hope for me.
I've been eating alot of bananas, orange ya glad to know that? Bananas are not an innuendo for cock.
Speaking of... as gay as people ever made me feel in Ames. I actually feel like Hacksaw Jim Duggan here, in comparison. I have never felt more masculine in my life..... until I go downtown at night and everyone there looks like Zach Chambers when he used to be on steroids.
I want to go to Ames this weekend, anybody in?
I leave you with this.
Charlie the Unicorn
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5im0Ssyyus
Charlie the Unicorn 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFCSXr6qnv4&feature=related
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Here I am, my third night living alone in Iowa City.
If you must know a little about my situation, all I must tell you is that it is lonely. I have a two bedroom apartment. I am the only one who lives in it. The first night I drug my mattress out to the living room to sleep.... Since that has happened I have not set foot in either bedroom (good use of resources.)
Enough about me lets talk about Clayton Goos... People (Clayton) probably wonder why I pick on this person so much in my blog.
To that I have no real response. I make fun of his weight, and lets be honest, Clayton's supper could feed a small African nation for a week. Usually people poke fun at others for something they obviously aren't. I can walk up to Kyle Schroeder and say, "Hey pussy," knowing full well he is a badass. I wouldn't walk up to Trent Allen and say hey pussy. That would be awkward because it would be construed as serious and demeaning. What gives me the right to do this to Clayton? Beside my critical nature and knack for blatantly pointing out peoples shortcomings as I see them, Clayton possesses a knockout girlfriend. I think this is why people, like myself, feel the need to bring Clayton down so he doesn't get too high on himself. That way he doesn't forget that if he went swimming in the Pacific Ocean officials would probably think part of California broke off the mainland.
Lets talk about the Olympics.
Why are all women gymnasts on the U.S. team bombshells? Do they throw out all the uglies? One has to assume something is up with that. If there was at least one ugly girl on the roster I would probably feel assurance that the most athletically gifted field the team.
What is up with handball. That looks like something a lazy P.E. teacher would make up for kids to play so he could go drink booze in his office.
Michael Phelps. Wow, more gold medals than any person ever in the Olympics. Not to take anything away, but if Carl Lewis had the opportunity to run the 200 m dash, the 100 m dash, the 50 m dash, 50 m bear crawl, the 23 m potato sack, and the 4x50 single leg hop relay he might still have the record.
On the subject of sports, why hasn't John Zelasney started his fantasy football league. If he has, why hasn't he invited me. Can I start Jeter at quarterback?
Speaking of football. Why did Tyler Chambers fumble the ball, and our dreams of a state championship on the Manning 2 yard line in 2001?
Reminder: Nigel, $50.
If you must know a little about my situation, all I must tell you is that it is lonely. I have a two bedroom apartment. I am the only one who lives in it. The first night I drug my mattress out to the living room to sleep.... Since that has happened I have not set foot in either bedroom (good use of resources.)
Enough about me lets talk about Clayton Goos... People (Clayton) probably wonder why I pick on this person so much in my blog.
To that I have no real response. I make fun of his weight, and lets be honest, Clayton's supper could feed a small African nation for a week. Usually people poke fun at others for something they obviously aren't. I can walk up to Kyle Schroeder and say, "Hey pussy," knowing full well he is a badass. I wouldn't walk up to Trent Allen and say hey pussy. That would be awkward because it would be construed as serious and demeaning. What gives me the right to do this to Clayton? Beside my critical nature and knack for blatantly pointing out peoples shortcomings as I see them, Clayton possesses a knockout girlfriend. I think this is why people, like myself, feel the need to bring Clayton down so he doesn't get too high on himself. That way he doesn't forget that if he went swimming in the Pacific Ocean officials would probably think part of California broke off the mainland.
Lets talk about the Olympics.
Why are all women gymnasts on the U.S. team bombshells? Do they throw out all the uglies? One has to assume something is up with that. If there was at least one ugly girl on the roster I would probably feel assurance that the most athletically gifted field the team.
What is up with handball. That looks like something a lazy P.E. teacher would make up for kids to play so he could go drink booze in his office.
Michael Phelps. Wow, more gold medals than any person ever in the Olympics. Not to take anything away, but if Carl Lewis had the opportunity to run the 200 m dash, the 100 m dash, the 50 m dash, 50 m bear crawl, the 23 m potato sack, and the 4x50 single leg hop relay he might still have the record.
On the subject of sports, why hasn't John Zelasney started his fantasy football league. If he has, why hasn't he invited me. Can I start Jeter at quarterback?
Speaking of football. Why did Tyler Chambers fumble the ball, and our dreams of a state championship on the Manning 2 yard line in 2001?
Reminder: Nigel, $50.
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